13 years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety, also known as unipolar depression – an opposite of bipolar depression. At 21 years old, I felt so lost, confused, and scared. I was mostly filled with the negativity in my head, and consumed by self doubt. Always forcing a smile to cover up the pain of my reckless financial responsibilities, my toxic self-centered attitude, and my lifestyle.
I’m currently learning to budget with a budget book, and it’s still hard because I’m addicted to spending. I tend to hardcore spend to fill a hole inside of me that has never been filled. In some cases the hole has been things like being part of the ‘Cool Cliques’ in school. I was a nerd; awkward and intimidated by competition in every class. I knew I was smart, but at the same time I felt a sense of not belonging in society or this world.
I can’t stand anyone yelling at me whenever I make a mistake, repeat previous mistakes, or feel sorry for myself. I had a huge mental meltdown in 2011, and had to be hospitalized for a week. In 2013, I left college and enrolled into a job training school for IT analysis. I graduated in October 2014, and got hired 2 months later at an IT company. I have been with this company for over 6 years, but I never thought that I was going to make it to 7 years because I had another mental meltdown in 2017. I volunteered myself to be hospitalized and was put on new a medication after the one I took for almost 10 years just wasn’t working anymore, and I stayed hospitalized until I was officially discharged on my 30th birthday.
I’m currently a quality assurance analyst thanks to an offer with a much lighter load of work.
COVID has been overwhelming to me but with therapy and peer support, I’m able to remain in control. Despite these circumstances, my parents are always there for me regardless of what situation I had to endure. While there’s no cure for mental health, speaking out about it and finding ways to advocate for it helps me within my own self love.
This story is intended to convey a personal experience and, because every person’s experience is unique, should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.