I received my official multiple sclerosis (MS) diagnosis April 2012. The diagnosis provided answers to a multitude of unexplained symptoms that haunted my past, so for that I am glad.
However, I currently find myself VERY ANGRY at the disease. I am fighting the fatigue, depression and medication side effects. I fear and sense of loss and everything… everything is a fight! I want to be strong! I want to scream! I want to be healthy! I know that I will never have my old life back… my old life when I was blissfully oblivious to the reality of my future.
I am not ready to be happy with today or with whatever tomorrow brings. I am not ready to put on a happy face and tell everyone I am okay… but I do it anyways. It’s like the first time on a huge roller coaster ride and the moment of panic as it slowly reaches the top of the first drop and you find yourself feeling very claustrophobic and needing to run, but you can’t. You’re stuck and along for the ride whether you like it or not. I am not ready, and I am not okay.
Hope can be a very illusive emotion. I am in a dark place right now. I feel like I am living a lie. I know things will get better. I know God has a plan for me. I know I need to let go of the fear and the anger, but right now I use it to get me through the day. When I see “Cure MS” images, I think to myself, there is no cure for me, and I allow my facade to fall, and the darkness engulfs me for a brief moment in time. This is my truth right now. This is what I hide. This is my secret, and therefore, this is my fight. I fight to find faith, and hope, and strength, and courage, and inspiration, and everything I know I should feel, but don’t.
I would like to share my fight because the reality is that this is a struggle a lot of people feel. I want them to know that they are not alone… that I am not alone… and that it is okay to be angry. It is important to acknowledge this emotion, and then fight to find a way out of the darkness.
The informational content of this article is intended to convey a personal experience and, because every person’s experience is unique, should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.
This article is intended to convey general educational information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.