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The Light at the End

You may or may not have noticed my absence the past couple of months. The fault is entirely my own, and to be honest it’s because I just couldn’t find the words. Ironic for a writer when words are what you depend on. But after every negative pregnancy test I became more desperate for the next one to be positive.

For the past couple of months I’ve lived in a fog of pain and hormonal highs and lows. It got to the point that on Sept. 14 I sat in my doctors office and cried. I told her I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. That the Endo was ruining my life. At the time my day consisted of moving from the bed to the couch. Anything more, and sometimes that was enough, and I had to be on major pain medication. My life was at a total stand still. There was no enjoying the day, no enjoying life, there was nothing but the pain of Endometriosis. On Sept 1 I was sitting in church praying and I said, “God, I don’t understand. I’ve begged You for a baby. I’ve begged You to heal me. I’m praying desperately, please give me a baby. I’m desperate.” At the same moment I prayed this the speaker said, “Sometimes we pray desperately for things and they not be God’s will. Even when we reason it out and it seems like the only way to us it is not His way. Even when we desperately want it to be.” I started crying and I kept praying. I said, “God the only other option I have is going next week and telling her we are ready to go ahead with a hysterectomy. I don’t know what to do. Please.” As clear as the person next to me speaking I heard Him whisper across my heart, “have the surgery.” I instantly thought “No! That is just my doubts and worries talking, He wouldn’t ask me to do that.” Again I prayed, “God please let me know what to do.” and again I heard Him say, “Have the surgery.”

For a moment I was so angry. I wanted to scream that it wasn’t fair. That a baby was all I had ever wanted. While all my friends were planning their lives and their big careers I was praying for a family. For a moment I wanted to walk out of the church and never look back. But then I said, “Okay, God if You want me to have the surgery then I trust You and I will.” Instantly the peace that can only come from God swept over me with giving me a relief like I haven’t known in a long time. So after church I talked to my husband, and he was so receptive to it. He instantly accepted the idea with so much more openness than I did. He was concerned about me. I am his priority, my health, our life together. He wants kids as much as me but he could put that aside for my health when I couldn’t.

So on Sept 14 I told my doctor that we were ready to move forward with a hysterectomy as I had not had any luck getting pregnant. So on Oct 18 I had a hysterectomy. She removed my left ovary and tube. So I still have my right side but my uterus and cervix was also removed. I am now still at my mom’s house recovering, two weeks post surgery and I have to say for the first time in six years that I have not had any Endometriosis pain what so ever. I can for the first time in years take a full breath in without the catch on my left side that has taught me to breathe shallow.

Even through my painful recovery and all the ups and downs I’m still going through I have to say for the first time in a long time that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see my life. I can see the joy of everyday living again.  Now me and my husband both have had a lot of people that don’t know the whole situation judge us for this decision. After all I am 21 years old, my husband is 30.  We have no children. But our deep faith in God has brought us to this. Even though we don’t understand. Even though I would have liked to have went a different way this is our life. We have faced judgment and criticism from family all the way to the OR staff that was preforming my surgery. But the bottom line is for the first time in seven very long years I have a life ahead of me that is pain free.  So as this chapter of our lives close, we open another as we explore adoption and other options.

In closing I just want to say to all my fighting sisters, to each and everyone of you that has fought this battle with Endometriosis I just want you to know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether that light is being able to have children of your own, whether it is in finding relief in some other way or if like it me it is through a hysterectomy. I just want you to know that whatever part of the journey you are on PLEASE do NOT give up! Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Much love and pain free wishes <3

Rachel

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4 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. I think you are a very strong person to have made that decision at such a young age but I’m happy you are doing well and I wish you luck in building a future family. My husband and I are currently awaiting adoption due to endo and infertility, if you would like to know more about the agency let me know. 🙂

  2. Rachel you are such a strong woman. I just got done reading your post and I am in tears. I was diagnosed with Endo in August and have been so emotionally devastated since. I have loved children my entire life. My great grandma(94) tells stories about me all the time how when I was little I would go running up to strollers looking for babies and start talking to them. It breaks my heat into pieces to read stories about all of us woman who would love to have children and can not. I just try to stay as positive as I can and think its because we are stronger and can take the pain easier than another woman out there. My husband and I have been trying for 4 months and no luck and I dread every month of waiting and being in pain, every month gets worse. I just read other woman’s inspiring stories to help get me through these hard times. I am so sorry to hear you had to go through with a hysterectomy but you know what’s best for your body and self. I hope you get well soon. I will pray you stay stronger everyday!! Good luck with your future!!

  3. Rachel,

    Thanks so much for sharing your Endo story. I am so happy to hear that you are pain free!

    I had a subtotal hysterectomy last Dec (kept my right ovary), but the pain returned three months later. By June, I was in surgery again with a completely immobilized bladder, blocked ureters, a right ovary with several abnormalities and 16 other sites of Endo. Lost my other ovary so now have no reproductive organs and I’m still in pain on my left side. It has been so severe these past two weeks….will keep fighting and praying that I will know a life free from pain.

  4. This really warmed my heart and gave me hope! I’m only 14 and it’s just been so hard being in so much pain and having to miss school it’s horrible. But I do have hope that eventually I won’t hurt anymore and I’ll get better just like you.

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