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The Great “What If?”

Something I have found lately since starting infertility treatments is that I am much more sensitive to people’s comments now. I completely understand that a lot of people don’t really think about what they say before they  say it and of course a lot may not know our situation but lately some of my husband’s friends who have kids will tell us “Oh you should wait as long as possible!” or the older ladies at our church that find out how old I am and say “You’re so young! You have plenty of time!” I know with complete confidence that none of these people mean anything with their comments or think that a girl in her twenties may not be able to have children. Since starting treatments to try and get pregnant I find myself wondering around Babies R Us daydreaming about the great question, What if?

What if against all medical science, God says yes and gives us a baby?

What if God in all His great plans says no and I can’t get pregnant?

These questions come not only when you’re doing infertility treatments but I think for me they started when I was just 17 when I had my first surgery. All little girls dream about growing up, getting married, and having a baby. It’s a part of our makeup. But for me it’s always been more than just a dream, it’s been what my goals revolved around. So the past two months these questions have really stayed on my mind. The depression, panic attacks, and other emotional things caused by Lupron have finally worn off, and I’m slowly starting to feel more and more like myself. That being said I don’t think I could have handled the “What ifs” before. Not when they’re so close to being answered.

So when you’re in the “what if” stage how do you handle it? I pray, I daydream, I talk to my mom. But I have to say that it has come down to the simple truth that I have done everything I can, I have done everything humanly possible so if God’s answer is ‘yes’ I will be beyond excited of course! I will be thrilled and look forward to a whole new journey.

So what if the answer is no? I’m not going to say that I won’t cry, that I won’t be upset, that I won’t say “it isn’t fair”. Because I probably will do all those things. But I have come to the conclusion that I can have peace knowing I have done everything I can. I have done everything possible so if God says no then He knows better than me. He knows that somewhere out there, there is a baby with a mom that can’t keep it, that needs parents. I am a firm believer in adoption. And after talking to my hubs we have decided that if we can’t have our own biological child then we will find the child of our heart, the one that God knows needs us more than we know. Like I said, it would be hard but I know it’s not the end.

So for all of you out there who are trying to get pregnant while fighting endometriosis, or maybe some other disease that is making it hard to get pregnant, I just want to encourage you and tell you that as always you’re not going through it alone. Every time the test comes back negative you don’t have to cry alone, and if it comes back positive, we are ready to celebrate with you.

To the sisters of my heart, all the ones fighting endometriosis, I want you to know that you’re not alone. As scary and as uncertain as this journey can be you have someone who is walking every step with you. A few weeks ago I was at a writers’ conference and I had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people and learning a lot about the wonderful craft of fiction writing. As I spent the week with about 350 other people attending I had the chance to talk to a lot of people not only about writing, editors, drafting, and publication but also about our lives. When I went I decided that if given the chance I was going to tell every person I could about endometriosis. I know I get on here and write about it but to actually tell someone and give them a glimpse into your life is putting yourself into a very vulnerable place. But I decided a long time ago that instead of whining about how little awareness this disease has I would start with myself by telling everyone I can. So I spread the word! What I found shocking was that only a few out of the dozens of people I talked to had actually even heard of endometriosis and even fewer knew really what it was. So I have decided that through my fiction writing career I am going to continue raising awareness for endometriosis. I want you to know that you are all my inspiration.

Much love and pain free wishes!

Rachel

The informational content of this article is intended to convey general educational information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.

 

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5 comments

  1. I just wanted to say that I have been suffering with endometriosis since I was 21and I am 28 now and haven’t been able to get pregnant but I haven’t actually really tried. I would like to but i broke up with my boyfriend of 7years last year so i am single now. I only broke up with him because I felt he wasn’t ready to get married after all those years and I was ready to go ahead and try to start having kids and he wasn’t. I had my first surgery in 2006 where they remove the section of my intestines that the endometriosis grew around, my appendix, gallbladder and a few cysts. in 2007 I had a laproscopic surgery where cysts were removed. Then in 2008 it came back again and they had to remove one of my falopian tubes and a part of one of my ovaries plus large cysts that we’re very painful. after that I got on the depo pervera birth control for 2 years which really helped because I had no pain but it made me gain weight which I did not like and it causes severe bone loss. so after that I got on seasonique BC and it was doing okay because you get a period four times a year. now I’ve taken myself off all of that and I’m doing natural medicine to help it go away so that I can conceive naturally when im ready. I also try to eat right and have an acupuncturist that I go to. at this point I just hope that it’s in God’s will for me to have a child but if not i will adopt a child when the time is right.

  2. Rachel, I too struggle with endo (my story was just published on the site today). The disease crippled me for a long time. I suffered physically and emotionally. When the time came to try for a child, we spent 2.5 years in and out of fertility clinics. I too was also in my 20s and kept being told I had plenty of time to have a child. For myself, endometrosis was fixed with a drastic diet change. It was what my body needed to fight the disease. The surgeries and medications did nothing for me. My body healed itself with food. Two months later I became pregnant with my daughter and had a health pregnancy. I understand how complex endometrosis can be, I am grateful for this site and for people like you willing to share your story.

    • Hi. I would love to hear more about your diet. There are so many conflicting food options online. U can send any helpful tips to jj_62@hotmail.com . Your help is greatly appreciated.

    • i would also love to hear about your diet i have found doTERRA oils that has taken the pain away and have helped my friends to get pregnant but i have no right side and the left side tube is all twisted so i have been told ivf is the only way to get pregnant but at lest i have concord the pain

  3. I, too, struggle with infertility. Unlike you, though, I do not have endometriosis. I have the other dreaded problem – unexplained infertility. Over the past 4 years of trying, I have had 4 miscarriages. All of the miscarriages happened before the 9-week mark and no one knows why. It’s so hard when people ask if we are going to have kids of our own (I have two stepson’s). My sister was blessed with four healthy kids. My sister-in-law has three healthy kids, and we cannot have even one. My mom passed away from breast cancer in 2008 and it’s been a struggle to not have her to lean on. My sister doesn’t understand because she can get pregnant so easily. The physical and emotional pain have taken their tolls. In order to even get pregnant those five times, I had hormone treatments and medication to make me ovulate. What a rollercoaster! I’ve been off the treatments for a few months now and am not sure what to do next. We talk about adoption, but I’m always afraid that the biological mother will change her mind and I will get my hopes up again and be crushed. It’s such a tough battle.

    I wish you the best and appreciate you posting about such a silent topic.

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