My life changed in 1998 when I started to just cry and cry and cry and not keeping home at home and work at work. It all turned into one mess. I was a mom, I owned my own home and still do – a single mom with a man younger than me who left me due to not wanting to hurt me anymore even though he said he would never leave me and loved me so much and would never leave…
I can’t even ponder how many nights I sat on the porch crying at what living as a single mom was like – having my son’s dad leave and having another man not wanting to deal with the issues of having a child because it was not his thing. After talking to him recently, he says he listened to his friends and was wrong for leaving us. The relationship was not all peaches and cream anyways. He used to do some things to me that a woman should never put up with – me, vulnerable all my life due to my childhood, did just that. I lived a life with 8 siblings. We had the most wonderful mom in the world and the most hard working dad of all times.
I will not get to tell everything. I hope to get the most important out. I will let you know I am still struggling through severe anxiety disorder, depression, seasonal depression, post traumatic stress disorder, along with possible mood disorder due to the medicines I am on. At this point my doctor doesn’t know what to do with me – sounds sad, it feels like I have to keep myself on track on my own, and that is what I do, along with counseling and my husband and very little support from my family due to them not agreeing with me taking medicine.
Trust me. It’s not my favorite thing to want to do everyday of my life either. I have had every symptom of anxiety disorder, from feeling like dying, shaking, fast heart rate, wanting to crawl out of my own skin, along with chest pain and have driven to the Emergency room on many occasions many times scared out of my mind.
I think this gives you an idea what I am going through. It’s still going on and, in order for me to overcome this, I have to change my whole way of thinking and catch the panic attacks 20 minutes ahead of time, and staying away from negative people is my choice – and much of that is my family. I love my family and wish they would understand what is going on with me. They will in time, when I finish my documentary that my nephew is making of just a tad itty part of what happens to me when I can’t do my thing in my safe haven at home.
I would love to talk more. It’s just making me too anxious to put everything out there. I love God and many times when I am down and out, I read some small stories that make sense to me, everyday stories for each day that speak to me, or open the words of God and read them and try to figure out what God is saying to me. I hope you enjoyed my story – there is just so, so much more. One day I plan to get through these tough times and help others with anxiety disorder and also run a group since there is not much support in my area for this at this time. Thank you for your time and open ears.
This story is intended to convey a personal experience and, because every person’s experience is unique, should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.