Some days it feels like there isn’t much fight left in me.
Some days I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers up over my head and stop and hope the world forgets about me and just allows me to slink into my safe place and hide. I think there would be a lot of people who know me who’d be extremely surprised to hear me admit this. Jenna? The eternal optimist who smiles and laughs at life and always seems so together and happy – she wants to do what?
Now, don’t worry about me I’m just allowing that little doubting voice to think about this for a minute. If I went back to a time I when wasn’t following my dreams what would happen? Fighting chronic disease is hard; following your dreams at times can be even harder. I wasn’t working at much then because I was in so much pain and distress, I was merely subsisting and surviving day by day due to the ravages of my AS. Why does this seem like a good option some days to go back to that time? That horrible time. Why do we let thoughts and feelings like these enter our minds?
A few years ago when I started finally feeling better from my treatment and feeling well enough to be able to work again I may have started overcompensating for the years that were robbed from me by AS. I’ve pushed very, very hard to create my daily art apple and build my AS Awareness Campaign and it means a lot to me but, I’m feeling the day to day toll it is taking on my physical wellbeing but mostly I’m tired of the emotional toll. The last time I shared similar thoughts to these on my blog, TheFeedingEdge, someone asked me to stop my crusade and I was baffled that sharing honest, human feelings of doubt would cause someone to react in that way – so please don’t tell me to stop – I don’t want to stop. I want to fight through these feelings and keep going but – I want to be able to share this part of my life with you also. I think it’s important for us to share these thoughts and acknowledge that we all have doubts and troubles and we all look wherever we can to find our way around them – and I will find my way through this time but… I’ve been trying to fight feelings of throwing it all away and fading back into oblivion to a place where so much isn’t expected of me – a place where life is calmer and quieter and I cannot be criticized or bullied or misunderstood. To a horrible yet simpler time.
I feel pulled to it lately – it’s fierce at times.
But, then I think of being a part of this organization and what it stands for, why we all come together here. And I think of all of the people I’ve met and I know that have gotten through so much. You’ve fought cancer and miscarriage. You’ve fought Lupus and Fibro. You fight everyday to be healthy and happy and whole. So I will take these negative thoughts and stomp on them and then choose. I choose to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. No matter how tired I am or how discouraging things can appear at times – I’ll keep wrestling for my life and for my dreams. I’ll keep fighting for the spirit of happiness to stay in my heart. I may give in for a short moment or two – heck, sometimes even a day occasionally but I will not let the negatives live in me much longer than that. I will not dwell there long – I’ll fight like a girl and keep fighting.
My year long journey to raise AS Awareness by creating an Art Apple A Day is about to finish up. Please join me on my blog or Facebook page. From there you can follow the last three weeks of daily art and hear all about my 24 hr Apple-A-Thon happening on September 30th – October 1st to raise money for the Spondylitis Association of America.
It’s ok to feel these feelings. Let them in, sit with them for a bit and even have a big huge cleansing cry, but then get up and take on the next struggle because getting past them is what life is all about. Getting past and over life’s obstacles leads to our greatest joys when we truly know inside that we did it! We fought through the hard times and we came out victorious.
The informational content of this article is intended to convey general educational
information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.
This article is intended to convey general educational information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.