Out of Control

One of the many battles I fight inside myself is control/perfection. I never really thought of myself as a perfectionists or control freak until my husband pointed out how upset I get when my hair doesn’t do what I want or the house isn’t just so or I burn something while cooking dinner. The more I thought about it and the deeper I dug I realized that the reason I get so upset over the little things is because it’s things I can control. It’s things I can change and do.

When I got down to the bottom of it and was honest with myself I wasn’t too happy with the truth. My control freak impulses come from the struggle of trying to make up for the fact I have a disease. That deep down feeling we try so hard to bury. Where we think because we struggle and have an incredibly hard battle with our bodies that somehow we’re lacking. In a way we feel like we have to strive to do everything perfect and have everything just so to make up for the days we don’t.
When I first started dating my husband I was scared. I had dated guys before but he was different. I didn’t want him to see me on my bad days because I didn’t want him to think less of me. As our relationship grew and became more serious, he did see me on my bad days. I would apologize for plans ruined or being a zombie because I had to take a pain pill. He would always tell me that he just wished he could take the pain away. Of course that just made me love him more.
When we became engaged I was so happy but I had to constantly push down that nagging thought of “he deserves better. Someone who doesn’t have all this stuff to deal with.” My husband has always and still does tell me how he doesn’t deserve me. He’s never made me feel less because I had a bad day. Even if he doesn’t fully understand it all.
The reason we feel lacking is because if you’re anything like me, when you found out you had Endo your heart broke. You suddenly didn’t feel normal anymore. Your world changed.
I get angry and frustrated with myself. I always feel like I should be stronger than the pain. After having my first Lupron shot last Wednesday I have had a very rough week. The pain started Saturday and today was the first day that by nightfall I haven’t at least one pain pill. My doctor warned me that the first month your estrogen levels spike very high which for someone with Endo makes your pain spike as well. I wasn’t prepared for how fast it would happen or how fast it would be. I try not to get frustrated because I know it’s beyond my control but I want to fix it and I can’t.
one night not long after my surgery I had a horrible day and I was laying in bed crying and I asked my husband why I wasn’t getting better. Why after everything I’d done and tried. I only get worse. His answer was simple, “there is nothing you can do. You just have to trust God.”
I can’t say I know why God has allowed me to go through this and I can’t say I understand it all but even on my control freak days I have to remember He knows best and He promised He would never give you more than you can handle.
sp my dear fighters,when you feel like you are lacking, that you’re not good enough remember that God believes in you. He has faith that you can get throught it and so do I. You’re not lacking because your sick you are stronger because you fight this battle that is harder than anyone can imagine.
so stay strong, keep fighting and remember you are worth more than you can fathom.
much love and pain free wishes!

This article is intended to convey general educational information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.