When someone we care about is battling cancer, it’s natural to want to offer support and comfort.
However, sometimes our well-intentioned words can unintentionally cause more harm than good.
Below are some common iterations of phrases many of our Fellow FLAG Sisters have shared on our Facebook as something they would recommend you avoid saying to a loved one:
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“I know how you feel.”
- While you may have good intentions, everyone’s experience with cancer is unique. Please don’t assume that you understand their emotions or physical challenges. Instead, you can ask about how they feel.
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“You just need to stay positive.”
- While positivity can be helpful, it’s essential to acknowledge the person’s real feelings and struggles rather than dismissing them. Allow them to express their emotions without pressure to always be positive. We all have had bad days where we can’t stay positive or look on the bright side, sometimes we just need someone to be there even if we are having an off day.
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“[Name of person they know] just died from [type of cancer].”
- This doesn’t help someone who is trying to stay focused on their own fight. Many FLAG Sisters emphasized that they never want to hear these comments.
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
- This statement can come across as dismissive of the person’s suffering and may not offer meaningful comfort. Instead, consider acknowledging the unfairness of the situation and offer support.
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“You’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
- Instead of downplaying their concerns, validate their fears and offer support. Reassure them that you’re there for them no matter what. Sometimes even talking through fears can be helpful.
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“Have you tried [alternative treatment]?”
- Unsolicited medical advice can be overwhelming and may undermine the person’s trust in their healthcare team. Respect their treatment choices and offer support regardless of your personal beliefs. Instead, ask about the treatment and if they need anything like a ride to treatment or something you can get them that might help during treatment.
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“You don’t look sick.”
- Comments like this can minimize the person’s experience and make them feel misunderstood. Instead, validate their experience and offer support without judgment.
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“At least it’s not [another type of cancer]”; or “It could be worse.”
- Comparing one person’s cancer experience to another’s can diminish their feelings and struggles. Avoid making comparisons and focus on offering empathy and support.
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“Let me know if you need anything”; “Call me if you need anything”; or “I’m here if you need me.”
- While well-intentioned, this offer can put the burden on the person to ask for help. Instead, check in periodically and offer specific ways to assist, such as running errands or providing meals.
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What we say to our loved ones matters, especially when they are going through some of the most difficult times of their lives. Being more mindful of the words we use can make all the difference in supporting someone battling cancer and other illnesses.
It can be hard, especially if you are unsure of what to say, but hopefully understanding why so many warriors suggested these phrases be avoided will help us continue to learn how to better support our loved ones.
The content of this article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice.
