I think when you face a chronic disease you always find yourself thinking about “The Finish Line”. When the fighting is over, when your done, and when everything is just finished. I feel like I am facing that now. As many of you know I have been trying Lupron shots. In the past three months they have caused me a lot of problems (putting it lightly). As I told my doctor Friday, I feel like I’ve been through hell and back. I have been struggling with major depression, horrible panic attacks, anger issues and just a deep numb emotional feeling. I have never been so bad emotionally so long. It has been a very rough time for not only me but my family too as they see me going through this and can do nothing to help. I have just sat and cried thinking what is wrong with me? What is happening to me? It is a time that I am gladly leaving behind. My Lupron shots have been stopped and now I am facing with some very big decisions.
My doctor told me there was nothing else that can be done. I have been to the best, I have had all the surgeries, I have tried all the treatments and sadly it’s been to no avail. My body has resisted treatments and has not responded to anything. So she told me and my husband that we needed to think about trying to have a baby in the next few months if we want one. She said after that she would give me a hysterectomy. So that is now what I am facing. It’s a weird dream like feeling. I’ve always known it would come down to this but to actually be faced with it leaves me with a sadness.
I don’t believe all my fighting has been in vain. I would have rather gave it my best chance and fought with everything I could than have laid back and had this day come a lot sooner. Seven years, this year, is a long time to fight. I am also seeing a urologist because I have been having UTI’s at least once a month and I can’t seem to get rid of this last one. I have a CT scan tomorrow to look for kidney stones but I am also being checked for IC ( Interstitial cystitis). So the next three months are very critical for me. Over the next three months, Lupron will work it’s way out of my system, which means the pain will be back in full force, (Lupron never fully got rid of my pain, something you should consider if you are thinking of trying it) I will have to see what the urologist says and what we are going to do with my issues there, and as the pain comes back and I start ovulation I am also going to start trying to get pregnant. I think for me, the holding out a hope that there is a slight chance I can still get pregnant sometime this year is what is keeping me going. My doctor said we could try for as long as I could handle the pain (no pressure right?).
So it has all come down to the final round. The feeling of one way or another, it’s all wrapping up. I will admit I’ve always prayed for my miracle, being it God touching me, be it a doctor finding some type of cure, that is what I’ve held out for. But sometimes you just have to let go and realize that things don’t always go according to plan and that God is the only one who can see the big picture and Who has everything under control. So I will hold out my hope for a cure for all my sisters that may have to fight longer than me. As I said, my journey to trying to become pregnant is not going to be easy and it’s going to be a fight but I feel like the finish line is in sight. I know that it’s there now. So keep fighting my sisters. Keep holding on to the faith, the hope and the God given strength and keep fighting on.
Much love and pain free wishes
The informational content of this article is intended to convey general educational
information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.
This article is intended to convey general educational information and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional healthcare advice.