The Light at the End


You may or may not have noticed my absence the past couple of months. The fault is entirely my own, and to be honest it's because I just couldn't find the words. Ironic for a writer when words are what you depend on. But after every negative pregnancy test I became more desperate for the next one to be positive. For the past couple of months I've lived in a fog of pain and hormonal highs and lows. It got to the point that on Sept. 14 I sat in my doctors office and cried. I told her I couldn't handle the pain anymore. That the Endo was ruining my life. At the time my day consisted of moving from the bed to the couch. Anything more, and sometimes that was enough, and I had to be on major pain medication. My life was at a total stand still. There was no enjoying the day, no enjoying life, there was nothing but the pain of Endometriosis. On Sept 1 I was sitting in church praying and I said, "God, I don't understand. I've begged You for a baby. I've begged You to heal me. I'm praying … [Read more...]

“Nice to meet you, How do you feel about IVF, Surrogates and adoption?”


This past week I learned something. After four negative pregnancy tests and only one month left to try I decided to talk to my hubs about IVF and having my eggs harvested to maybe have a surrogate one day. Turns out the hubs doesn't believe in IVF or surrogacy. Hum. Now obviously before we got married I asked him about adoption, and talked to him about the fact I may not be able to have kids. The month before we got engaged I had my third surgery so he knew I may not be able to have kids. We had sort of a whirlwind romance by some standers. We dated exactly eight months to the day that we got engaged. I can't say for sure that I would ever do surrogacy because the thoughts of someone else getting to carry my baby would be hard, IVF I knew we didn't have the money for but to hear him say no was kind of shocking. But those aren't really two subjects that come up on the first date, or second.. I actually am not sure when that would come up. So I am now wondering if we had more time, if we … [Read more...]

The Great “What If?”


Something I have found lately since starting infertility treatments is that I am much more sensitive to people's comments now. I completely understand that a lot of people don't really think about what they say before they  say it and of course a lot may not know our situation but lately some of my husband's friends who have kids will tell us "Oh you should wait as long as possible!" or the older ladies at our church that find out how old I am and say "You're so young! You have plenty of time!" I know with complete confidence that none of these people mean anything with their comments or think that a girl in her twenties may not be able to have children. Since starting treatments to try and get pregnant I find myself wondering around Babies R Us daydreaming about the great question, What if? What if against all medical science, God says yes and gives us a baby? What if God in all His great plans says no and I can't get pregnant? These questions come not only when you're doing … [Read more...]

Finish Line


I think when you face a chronic disease you always find yourself thinking about "The Finish Line". When the fighting is over, when your done, and when everything is just finished. I feel like I am facing that now. As many of you know I have been trying Lupron shots. In the past three months they have caused me a lot of problems (putting it lightly). As I told my doctor Friday, I feel like I've been through hell and back. I have been struggling with major depression, horrible panic attacks, anger issues and just a deep numb emotional feeling. I have never been so bad emotionally so long. It has been a very rough time for not only me but my family too as they see me going through this and can do nothing to help. I have just sat and cried thinking what is wrong with me? What is happening to me? It is a time that I am gladly leaving behind. My Lupron shots have been stopped and now I am facing with some very big decisions. My doctor told me there was nothing else that can be done. I … [Read more...]

Standing Stronger


At the end of the year we all look back and reflect upon the year we are leaving behind. The good times we have had, the changes we have went through, and then the bad times and the things we will gladly leave behind. I can personally look back and say from the very start of this year it has been the year with the most change I've ever gone through. At the start of the year I became engaged. Three months later I got married and moved away from everything I'd ever known. Four months later I had my fourth surgery for Endometriosis and two months after that I started Lupron shots. Looking back I can say I have had some amazing, unforgettable days and I can look back and say I have had some really hard times too. When we are having a day where we feel amazing, and we're happy and everything is wonderful we don't want the day to end. When it's been a bad day and things feel like we're falling apart, we can't wait for the day to end and to start over. Either way the day always ends … [Read more...]