Endometriosis

The Light at the End

Nov
01
2013

You may or may not have noticed my absence the past couple of months. The fault is entirely my own, and to be honest it's because I just couldn't find the words. Ironic for a writer when words are what you depend on. But after every negative pregnancy test I became more desperate for the next one to be positive. For the past couple of months I've lived in a fog of pain and hormonal highs and lows. It got to the point that on Sept. 14 I sat in my doctors office and cried. I told her I couldn't handle the pain anymore. That the Endo was ruining my life. At the time my day consisted of moving from the bed to the couch. Anything more, and sometimes that was enough, and I had to be on major pain medication. My life was at a total stand still. There was no enjoying the day, no enjoying life, there was nothing but the pain of Endometriosis. On Sept 1 I was sitting in church praying and I said, "God, I don't understand. I've begged You for a baby. I've begged You to heal me. I'm praying … [Read more...]

“Nice to meet you, How do you feel about IVF, Surrogates and adoption?”

Jul
22
2013

This past week I learned something. After four negative pregnancy tests and only one month left to try I decided to talk to my hubs about IVF and having my eggs harvested to maybe have a surrogate one day. Turns out the hubs doesn't believe in IVF or surrogacy. Hum. Now obviously before we got married I asked him about adoption, and talked to him about the fact I may not be able to have kids. The month before we got engaged I had my third surgery so he knew I may not be able to have kids. We had sort of a whirlwind romance by some standers. We dated exactly eight months to the day that we got engaged. I can't say for sure that I would ever do surrogacy because the thoughts of someone else getting to carry my baby would be hard, IVF I knew we didn't have the money for but to hear him say no was kind of shocking. But those aren't really two subjects that come up on the first date, or second.. I actually am not sure when that would come up. So I am now wondering if we had more time, if we … [Read more...]

The Great “What If?”

May
31
2013

Something I have found lately since starting infertility treatments is that I am much more sensitive to people's comments now. I completely understand that a lot of people don't really think about what they say before they  say it and of course a lot may not know our situation but lately some of my husband's friends who have kids will tell us "Oh you should wait as long as possible!" or the older ladies at our church that find out how old I am and say "You're so young! You have plenty of time!" I know with complete confidence that none of these people mean anything with their comments or think that a girl in her twenties may not be able to have children. Since starting treatments to try and get pregnant I find myself wondering around Babies R Us daydreaming about the great question, What if? What if against all medical science, God says yes and gives us a baby? What if God in all His great plans says no and I can't get pregnant? These questions come not only when you're doing … [Read more...]

Finish Line

Mar
18
2013

I think when you face a chronic disease you always find yourself thinking about "The Finish Line". When the fighting is over, when your done, and when everything is just finished. I feel like I am facing that now. As many of you know I have been trying Lupron shots. In the past three months they have caused me a lot of problems (putting it lightly). As I told my doctor Friday, I feel like I've been through hell and back. I have been struggling with major depression, horrible panic attacks, anger issues and just a deep numb emotional feeling. I have never been so bad emotionally so long. It has been a very rough time for not only me but my family too as they see me going through this and can do nothing to help. I have just sat and cried thinking what is wrong with me? What is happening to me? It is a time that I am gladly leaving behind. My Lupron shots have been stopped and now I am facing with some very big decisions. My doctor told me there was nothing else that can be done. I … [Read more...]

Standing Stronger

Dec
28
2012

At the end of the year we all look back and reflect upon the year we are leaving behind. The good times we have had, the changes we have went through, and then the bad times and the things we will gladly leave behind. I can personally look back and say from the very start of this year it has been the year with the most change I've ever gone through. At the start of the year I became engaged. Three months later I got married and moved away from everything I'd ever known. Four months later I had my fourth surgery for Endometriosis and two months after that I started Lupron shots. Looking back I can say I have had some amazing, unforgettable days and I can look back and say I have had some really hard times too. When we are having a day where we feel amazing, and we're happy and everything is wonderful we don't want the day to end. When it's been a bad day and things feel like we're falling apart, we can't wait for the day to end and to start over. Either way the day always ends … [Read more...]

Out of Control

Oct
02
2012

One of the many battles I fight inside myself is control/perfection. I never really thought of myself as a perfectionists or control freak until my husband pointed out how upset I get when my hair doesn't do what I want or the house isn't just so or I burn something while cooking dinner. The more I thought about it and the deeper I dug I realized that the reason I get so upset over the little things is because it's things I can control. It's things I can change and do. When I got down to the bottom of it and was honest with myself I wasn't too happy with the truth. My control freak impulses come from the struggle of trying to make up for the fact I have a disease. That deep down feeling we try so hard to bury. Where we think because we struggle and have an incredibly hard battle with our bodies that somehow we're lacking. In a way we feel like we have to strive to do everything perfect and have everything just so to make up for the days we don't. When I first started dating my … [Read more...]

One More Round

Aug
31
2012

You're in a boxing ring. You're throwing punch after punch. You're winning. You feel that rush that for that moment you're on top. Just when you think you've got your opponent beat, it comes around with a left hook that catches you off guard and completely off balance. Your neck snaps around, your ears are ringing, and everything around you is blurry as the dizziness hits. In what feels like slow motion you fall backwards. You lay there reminding yourself to breathe half wondering if you're still alive. In the distance you hear the ref counting "1...2...3...". He sounds so far away and the lights above seem too bright. You roll to your side struggling to get up, "4...5...6..." You make it back to your feet just before he times you out. You're struggling to breathe. You look across the ring at what you thought you had beat and suddenly it seems so much bigger. You wonder how you'll throw the next punch, how you can keep standing, how you're ever going to win. Over the past few weeks … [Read more...]

Coping

Jul
03
2012

Have you ever on a bad day just gone into auto pilot? You start having this almost out of body experience where you feel like you’re watching everyone from the other side of a window.  You numb yourself; you can’t feel anymore, you can’t think, you are totally emotionless. This is what is called coping. So what is the difference in when you’re coping and when you’re being strong? I’ve been thinking about this because of a couple of days I’ve had this past month. I’ve had some days where I was in so much pain I just went into auto pilot. I went into that out of body experience because I couldn’t handle the pain I was in. I think I’ve done that so much in the past 5 or so years that it’s almost an automatic reaction that I can’t control anymore. I learned how to do this before I was diagnosed. When I didn’t have a constant supply of pain pills, and an explanation for the pain I was in. When I think of coping this is what I think of. I think of the days I have to separate myself … [Read more...]

After Happily Ever After

Jun
03
2012

Do you ever wonder what happens after happily ever after? Maybe because I’m a writer I think beyond the end of the perfect story. Like what happened to Cinderella after she married Prince Charming? Where did the evil stepmother and step sisters go? Did they all make up? The questions and possibilities are endless. The difference in the fairy tales and real life is that our “evil stepmother and step sisters” don’t go away. (No offence to anyone that is a stepmother or sister, I use those terms figuratively here J ) As I mentioned before I just got married. (Yay!) I married the most amazing guy there is, and had the most perfect fairy tale wedding day imaginable. It was in every single sense of the word perfect. But since this is real life we have to face what happens after our happily ever after, what happens after our most perfect day and what the rest of ever after holds. For us that fight a battle with chronic illness it means that the “evil stepmother” of Endometriosis … [Read more...]

Dependent

Apr
10
2012

One of the things I've noticed in all that I've read about Endometriosis, whether it be a    medical journal article or a blog from a fellow fighter, is the hard topic of  a struggle for  someone who lives in chronic pain, is the dependency that you develop of prescription pain  pills. On a side note, being dependent and being addicted are two completely different things.  Being addicted is to use, in this case, pain pills in a non-prescribed way. To take them when they're not needed, to use them abusively. To be dependent is to depend on these drugs to function normally - in our case, to take a pain pill to get through a day full of pain. Being a dependent can lead to addiction and if you feel like you may have an addiction I strongly urge you to seek medical help from a doctor you trust. They in turn may send you to a counselor, which I again strongly urge you to do. I've been thinking about this topic lately because of something that happened to me a few weeks ago. A few … [Read more...]